Call a Spade a Spade

I don’t eat breakfast.  Never really have.  The closest that my Mum could get to “making me” was to insist I drink a glass of OJ before I went to school.  At 10 years old, I wasn’t skipping meals because of a weight loss attempt, I just didn’t – and still don’t – get hungry until I’ve been awake for a few hours.

Now I want to sell you a diet programme based on my life experience.  It’s called “just don’t eat breakfast and save yourself 400 calories”.  No, not sold yet?  Probably because it sounds stupid and way too simple to convince you to part with your dollars for.  But what if it give the same diet a fancy name, like Intermittent Fasting, or 5:2, or The Warrior Diet, or 16:8, or LeanGains, or Eat Stop Eat, or Spontaneous Meal Skipping, or The 8 Hour Diet, or The Fast 800, or Waist Away, or… you get where I’m going with this?  They’re all the exact same fucking thing.

No, I’m not telling you to stop eating breakfast.  There’s no magic pill, remember!  But which would you be more likely to spend money on and put your trust into?  Skip breakfast because Dominique isn’t hungry, or the Fast 800 by Dr. Michael Mosley?

You see, the thing that you’re being sold isn’t the important thing.  There’s no magic pill.  Any method which gets you to eat fewer calories would work.  But you are being convinced to buy into this shit by clever marketing companies and that has got to stop.

We have an innate belief that fancy sounding scientific words are more complicated and cleverer than the same words in a common language.  We are taught to immediately put our faith into anything that has a “scientific study” to back up its claims.  I could do a study which proves that if you just eat compost you will lose weight.  And if I give it a crazy name like “The Mulch Diet”, I bet I could sell it to some schmucks (I have literally never used that word before, but I’d enjoyed writing it) online.  Marketers are taking advantage of language to sell to you.  I’d like you to start seeing through it.

Remember, it’s not “clean eating”, it’s just eating less processed crap.

It’s not HIIT, it’s moving quite fast for a short time.

It’s not steady state cardio, it’s going for a brisk walk.

It’s not a planned cheat day, it’s just sometimes eating more food.

There’s no such thing as a superfood, it’s just food that quite nutritious.

It’s not a cabbage soup diet, it’s… actually I don’t know what the fuck that is all about except for a weird and probably odourful way of eating fewer calories.

I’ve worked as a fitness professional for years and years.  But I still would rather say “back” than trapezius.  Yes, I could make myself sound fancy and smash some Latin in your earholes to sell you an average workout programme.  But I’m not a knob.  I’d rather call a spade “a spade”.

So here’s the spade.  You don’t need to spend a fortune on diets and workout plans.  What would work, however, is you finding out why you eat more calories than your body needs.

For most people it’s not because you are eating too much sugar, or that you aren’t doing the right type of squat, or that your Magnesium Yellow Moon isn’t in line with your uterus (that’s not a thing, don’t Google it).  Unless you have a medical condition (and this will only be a tiny minority of people), you are overweight because you are eating too much food.

You know in your soul that the next “unicorn” diet and workout is the same as the last shit you tried.  And until you change your mindset then no diet in the world will ever work.  You know what you need to do to lose fat, but you’re not doing it.  But rather then sorting our why you’re not doing it, you are being sucked in to finding unicorns.

Don’t get sucked in.  Call spades, “spades”.  Look at every diet you see marketed at you and see it for what it is… a fancy sounding way of getting you to eat less.  And now look at what you need to do to change the deep-rooted reasons as to why you can’t do the things you know you should do.  Stick with me and I’ll help you out with that.  But giving you real shit.  Not words that you need a masters degree to understand.

And here’s the other thought I’d like to leave you with… if you do take up one of these diets and lose some weight then who gets the credit?  Do you praise yourself because you’ve managed to take back some control in how you eat, or do you give the entire credit to the diet?  I never hear how proud people are that they’ve reduced the amount of processed crap that they eat.  All I hear is “Weight Watchers really works”.  WW didn’t do the work.  You did.  Be proud and stop giving the power to yet another diet company that is simply asking you to eat fewer calories.

Stay weird, people!


(The Anti-Fitness Trainer)

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