My brother is getting married next weekend. Amazing! But this also means that I have had six months of “have you got your outfit sorted yet?” comments from my parents. My sister’s wedding was easy. I was a bridesmaid, so I was told what to wear. Simple.
Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a blog about fashion. Anyone who knows me knows that I am probably the last person who should be chatting haute couture.
I bought a new waistcoat and trilby for the occasion (yes, I am that kind of lesbian, and I bloody love it), not because I needed new clothes, but because I was specifically told that I couldn’t roll out my go-to “tidy” shirt that I have worn for the last 37 family gatherings. I wrongly assumed that these new purchases were enough, but apparently, I also must buy a new shirt, trousers and shoes. What the fuck! I have so many trousers, a shit load of shoes, and surely a plain black t-shirt is fine? I mean… I have a cool new hat, that should be enough!
I did some gardening today (that turnabout of narrative may have given you whiplash, but stick with me), and wore some combat trousers that I bought when I was 15. They were from an army surplus store that I doubt even still exists. And do you know what, they fit perfectly, and only have a couple of holes. These trousers are 21 years old and I still bloody love them.
So, why are people so easily seduced by the thought of buying something new when the old shit works just as well, sometimes even better? I am positive that my army surplus khakis are going to outlast whatever new trousers I buy from some shitty Primark or New Look or whatever other clothing store people buy new posh clothes from (can you tell I don’t shop much?).
Think about your smartphone for a second. How long do they last before the battery gets too fucked to hold their charge, and is glitching bad enough that YouTube is not a possibility anymore? You’re lucky if you get two years of decent usage. Now compare that to your old Nokia 3310 which had a battery life greater than that of Madonna (maybe not quite that long, that woman has got to be about 107 right?). Plus, you could launch that brick phone off the top of a cliff and still hear it ring when it hit the bottom.
Don’t get me wrong, some new shit is amazing. Like Roomba’s. They are worth their existence for the cat videos alone. Or the joy of opening a new bottle of shampoo (this can’t just be me). Or that I now have a laptop small enough to fit in my rucksack. But let’s face it, sometimes the old shit just works better.
And so, to bring this (eventually) to diet and fitness. I closed my gym almost exactly a year ago. And in that year, I have lost a whole bunch of body fat. I achieved this with a brand-new diet, fitness and supplement regime which I first saw on Instagram being promoted by a very thin and hot reality TV star.
Jokes! Of course it fucking wasn’t.
I have lost around 8kg, a fair few inches, and about 15% body fat because of good old fashioned “stop eating like a twat and get off your ass more often”.
Sometimes old just works better. Our great grandparents had very few weight issues. Why? Because they ate less crap and moved more than we do now. They didn’t have Joe Wicks or “The Biggest Loser”, but they did OK despite this. Society has conditioned us to consume processed food, drive everywhere, and think that new shit is better than any old shit. If it ain’t broke, fuck it throw it away and buy something new anyway.
But the laws of physics haven’t changed in a fair while. Energy in, energy out. That’s the secret behind fat loss. Not some newly discovered Amazonian herb, not a new ultra-efficient way of exercising, and definitely not bloody keto.
The science is simple. The mindset stuff is the shitter. Yes, I could’ve not got chubby to begin with. But it was only when I learned to enjoy being me and regained my passion for life that I could remember to do the simple things again.
The good news for you is that I am not hiring an Insta-famous model to promote my programmes. I don’t need to, and they wouldn’t want to do it anyway. After all, who in their right mind would promote something that is essentially free to do (oh no wait, people sell intermittent fasting all the time).
Here is the good news…
I am the Anti-Fitness Trainer. I will help you to see through all this industry bullshit and the “new and shiny” is better bollocks. But I will also stop you getting in your own way. You know what you should be doing. But you’re stopping yourself. And I can help with why. So, are you ready to throw on your old khakis rather than buying brand new wedding trousers? I hope so. Because if you’re with me then please help me convince my Mum that I don’t need to go shopping again!
Stay weird, people,
(The Anti-Fitness Trainer)